After six years working as a sex and intimacy coach, I have sat with hundreds of people in some of the most vulnerable conversations of their lives.
Men who have never told anyone about their performance anxiety. Women who have forgotten what desire even feels like in their own body. Couples who love each other deeply and have no idea how they ended up so far apart. People carrying shame they have held since they were teenagers, sometimes longer.
This work has taught me more about people than anything else I have ever done. Not just about sex and intimacy, but about what we carry, what we hide, what we long for, and what becomes possible when we finally stop pretending everything is fine.
Here are ten things six years of this work has taught me.
1. Humour is one of the most healing tools in the room
No matter how deep we go or what we are working through together, there will be moments of genuine laughter in my sessions. Not because we are avoiding the hard stuff but because lightness is part of the medicine.
When we can laugh at ourselves, at the absurdity of being human, at the beautiful mess of all of it, our problems genuinely get smaller and easier to move through. Shame shrinks in the presence of laughter. Tension releases. The body relaxes. And from that place, real change becomes possible.
The ability to hold depth and levity at the same time is one of my greatest gifts as a coach and I never take it for granted.
2. The ones who book fastest are often the ones who transform the most.
This one surprised me at first but I have seen it consistently over six years.
The client who lands on my website, books a connection call within hours, and wants the earliest available session is almost always the one who shows up the most committed and sees results the fastest.
Psychology calls this implementation intention. The moment someone decides and acts without talking themselves out of it, they have already begun to change. Motivation and readiness are highest at the moment of decision. Every day between that moment and taking action is an opportunity for the mind to negotiate its way back to staying stuck.
So if something in you is saying yes, trust that.
3. The cleaner the house, the less sex people seem to be having.
I want to be careful here because this is an observation, not a rule, and I say it with genuine love.
But the women I work with who need every surface spotless, every cushion perfectly placed, every dish washed before they can possibly relax, are often the same women struggling with low libido or finding it hard to fully surrender in intimacy.
There is something about the relentless pursuit of external perfection that can quietly strangle internal aliveness. When the bar for relaxation is a perfectly clean home, the body rarely gets to truly land.
I need a clean space too. But I have made a personal decision that I would rather have a 90% clean house and a fully alive body than a spotless home and no energy left for pleasure. The beach will always win over the vacuum.
This is just something I notice.
4. You are not as alone as you think you are.
Men with performance anxiety. Women who cannot orgasm with their partner. Men who ejaculate earlier than they want to. Women who feel pain during sex. Couples with mismatched libido. People who love each other deeply and have completely stopped being intimate.
I hear these stories every single week.
And it still surprises me that in a world where people are talking openly about their struggles on podcasts, social media, Google and now AI, so many people still carry these things in complete silence, convinced they are the only one.
You are not the only one. Not even close. Whatever you are moving through, someone else is moving through it right now, probably feeling just as alone as you do. The shame and the silence are almost always heavier than the thing itself.
5. Nobody actually enjoys the circus positions.
I am going to say what we are all thinking.
The articles promising 100 positions to transform your sex life, the ones with diagrams that require a yoga mat, a spotter, and possibly a liability waiver, are not helping anyone.
Missionary, doggy, spooning, cowgirl and a handful of others, done slowly, consciously and with genuine presence, will take you further than hanging upside down with your second toe in someone’s ear.
Presence beats performance every single time. You can quote me on that.
6. The nervous system is the most underrated sex organ.
Until someone feels genuinely safe in their body, no amount of technique, communication or effort will fully land.
Safety is not a nice addition to good sex. It is the foundation everything else is built on. This is where so much conventional sex advice misses the mark entirely. You cannot think your way into presence. You cannot perform your way into surrender. The body has to feel safe first.
This is why so much of my work is not actually about sex at all. It is about nervous system regulation, about building the internal conditions where intimacy becomes possible again.
7. Shame is the single biggest intimacy killer I encounter.
More than mismatched libido. More than busy schedules. More than different desire levels or communication breakdowns.
Shame sits underneath almost everything and it rarely announces itself clearly. It shows up as avoidance, as shutting down, as going through the motions, as never quite being fully present even when you want to be.
Most people have never had a single honest conversation about their shame around sex and their body. That first conversation is often where everything begins to shift.
8. Most couples don’t actually have a sex problem.
They have a communication and safety problem that shows up in sex.
The bedroom is simply where it becomes impossible to ignore anymore. When two people feel truly safe with each other, truly seen and met outside the bedroom, intimacy tends to follow naturally. The work is rarely about what happens in bed. It is almost always about what happens everywhere else.
9. A woman who is disconnected from her womb and her body will never fully stand in her power.
Not in her relationships. Not in her business. Not in her life.
The reclamation of a woman’s relationship with her own body, her desire, her voice and her pleasure is one of the most quietly revolutionary things I witness in this work. When a woman comes home to herself in this way, everything shifts. Her boundaries become clearer. Her voice becomes stronger. Her relationships change. Her sense of self changes.
It is not just about sex. It is about what becomes possible when a woman is no longer at war with her own body.
10. The people who think they are too broken or too far gone are almost always the ones who transform the most completely.
Every single time.
The ones who arrive carrying the most shame, the most history, the most convincing story about why this probably won’t work for them, are the ones who crack open the widest and go the furthest.
I don’t know why this keeps surprising me. But it does, in the best possible way.
If any of these landed somewhere in you, that landing is worth paying attention to.
This is the work I do. Not the spice it up in the bedroom tips. Not a technique or a trick or a weekend workshop that fades by Monday. The work that actually changes things, because we are working with what is true. The body. The heart. The sex centre. The nervous system.
If you are ready to explore what that could look like for you, I would love to hear from you. You can learn more about working with me one on one here, or reach out directly to start a conversation.
Book A Free Connection Call Here
Love, Alexandra
