How to Overcome Performance Anxiety: What Actually Works
If you’re a man struggling with performance anxiety, I want you to hear this clearly:
There is nothing wrong with you.
After speaking to and working with hundreds of men for over six years around intimacy, confidence, desire, and performance anxiety, I can tell you this with absolute certainty:
Performance anxiety often starts in the mind, but it cannot be solved from the mind alone.
Thinking more, trying harder, pushing, forcing, or endlessly learning about sex does not create lasting change.
If it did, you would already be “fixed.”
What actually works is something most men were never taught.
Performance Anxiety Is a Mind–Body Issue
Performance anxiety is not just psychological.
It is physiological.
I see this again and again with men who are intelligent, self-aware, capable, and deeply caring, yet when it comes to intimacy, their body tightens, their mind races, and confidence disappears.
Not because they don’t want intimacy.
But because their nervous system doesn’t feel safe.
Once anxious thoughts appear, the body responds instantly:
- Breath tightens
- Pressure rises
- Sensation narrows
- The system shifts into protection
At that point, no amount of positive thinking can override a body that is bracing.
When the mind spirals, the brain signals threat and releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing the body for fight or flight.
And in survival mode, the body does not prioritise:
- Erections
- Orgasms
- Presence
- Intimacy
It prioritises survival.
This is not failure.
This is biology
Why So Many Men Get Stuck
Most of the men I work with have spent years:
- Living in their head
- Managing stress, pressure, or conflict at work and home
- Holding it together for everyone else
- Ignoring or overriding their body’s signals
So when it’s time to be relaxed, open, and present during intimacy, the body can’t simply switch gears on demand.
It hasn’t been trained to.
What Actually Works (And Why)
This is where embodiment and somatic work come in.
What actually helps men move through performance anxiety is not more information, it’s capacity.
Specifically:
- Learning how to regulate the nervous system
- Getting out of the head and back into the body
- Building the capacity to stay present with sensation
- Feeling grounded and steady even under pressure
- Learning to trust the body instead of fighting it
Confidence does not come from “nailing it,” getting it right, or being perfect.
It comes from knowing:
I can stay here in my body, no matter what happens, and I am safe.
What Changes When the Body Feels Safe
When men learn to breathe, feel, slow down, and trust their body again, things shift naturally:
- Anxiety no longer takes over
- Desire returns
- Erections happen more easily and reliably
- Connection deepens
- Intimacy stops feeling stressful
Not because you’re performing better, but because you’re present.
And importantly, this work is not about becoming someone else or performing sex.
It’s about becoming more embodied, more present, and trusting yourself more.
That is what women feel.
That is what creates intimacy and real pleasure.
If This Resonates
If you’re tired of overthinking, second-guessing yourself, or feeling pressure around sex, hear this again:
Nothing is wrong with you.
Your body has been protecting you the best way it knows how.
And with the right support, you and your body can learn something new.
I offer private sessions focused on nervous system regulation, embodiment, real sex education, and intimacy, not quick fixes or surface-level strategies.
This work is for men who are ready to say yes to themselves, and yes to sex and intimacy free from stress and performance anxiety.
I’m opening a few more spots this month.
If you’d like to explore working together book a free connection call here
I look forward to supporting you.
You’re more ready than you think.
Alexandra
Soulintimacy
