Performance Anxiety in Sex: How to Support Your Partner

Performance anxiety shows up in almost every relationship at some point.

I see it every single week in my work, with men, with women, and with couples.

Sometimes it looks like numbness, dissociation, freezing, overthinking, or pressure to “do it right,” “look perfect,” or “be perfect.”
Sometimes it shows up as erection struggles.
Sometimes premature ejaculation.
Sometimes avoiding intimacy, avoiding dating, or avoiding initiating sex altogether.

And here’s the important part:

Your partner can make this ten times easier, or a hundred times harder.

Most people struggling with performance anxiety are already doing their best.

They’re trying.
They’re thinking.
They’re worrying.
They’re stuck in their head.

They’ve Googled.
They’ve researched.
They’ve spent hours watching videos or asking AI for answers.

What they actually need is less pressure and more safety.

Ways to support your partner (or each other)

Take pressure off the outcome
Sex doesn’t need to “go anywhere.” Remove penetration, orgasms, or goals if needed. There is nothing to achieve.

Redirect focus away from performance
Bring attention back to sensation, breath, connection, intimacy, and touch.

Name what you appreciate
Compliment their body, their presence, their genitals, how they make you feel, and what you love about them, in and outside the bedroom.
Focus on who they are, not what they “do.”

Change the pattern
If you’re stuck in autopilot, switch it up. New positions aren’t always the answer, but a new pace, rhythm, location, or way of touching often is. You can download my ebook with 30 intimacy practices here

Support the nervous system
Slow things down.
Longer exhales.
Softer touch.
Less urgency.
More play, curiosity, and exploration.

Breathe together
If they’re in their head, gently invite slower breathing.
Remind them they don’t have to rush.Slow, deep breaths move us out of the mind and into the body — into the parasympathetic nervous system.
Breathe together before the bedroom.
Breathe slower and deeper inside the bedroom.
Lead with your own breath and body.

Ask what they need
Not “what’s wrong?” but:
– What would help right now?
– What would feel good right now?
– What would help you feel safe?
– What would help you get out of your head?
– What would break the pattern right now?

Welcome the fear
Talk about the worst-case scenario out loud.
Anxiety loses power when it’s met, not avoided.
Name it to tame it.

Performance anxiety isn’t a personal failure.
Nothing is wrong with you or your body.

It’s a nervous system response.

And it’s by far the number one thing I work with clients on every single week, which honestly isn’t surprising, considering how we live our lives today.

Small, even three-minute changes in your everyday life outside the bedroom can have a massive impact inside the bedroom.

Embodiment is the key.

If you or your partner are struggling, please know this:
being stuck in your head, unable to surrender, or feeling pressure around sex is not something you have to navigate alone.

Supporting people with this is literally my job, and it’s work I deeply love doing.

If you feel called to be supported with this, you’re welcome to explore working together and book a free connection call here

Take a breath.
Shift focus from performance to pleasure.
From getting it right to presence.

And let yourself off the hook a little.

With love,
Alexandra