When desire disappears, this is often why

When someone tells me they’ve “lost desire,”
I usually don’t hear a lack of libido.

I hear, see and feel something else.

A body that’s tired of being pushed.
A body that’s been under constant pressure for too long.
A nervous system that has learned to override itself.
A heart that hasn’t felt truly met in a while.

And very often, I hear this sentence, even if it’s never spoken out loud:

“I should want this… but I don’t.”

If that’s you, let me say this gently and clearly:

Nothing is wrong with you. I say this often. And still, I speak to people every week who genuinely feel that something is wrong with them. I know you want to feel desire. I know you wish you were “turned on” more ,or at least sometimes.

Desire doesn’t disappear because your body is broken.
Or because you’re cold, ungrateful, not attracted to your partner, or “too much in your head.”

Yes, sometimes hormones or physical factors can play a role. Of course they can.

But more often than not, desire fades because the body no longer feels safe enough to soften.

Safe enough to feel.
Safe enough to slow down.
Safe enough to want.
Safe enough to open.

Most of us learned very early to override the body, because we had to.

We had to wait to eat until it was lunchtime at school.
Sometimes we weren’t even allowed to go to the bathroom. So we learned to override our body to get connection, love, safety, or simply to fit in as children.

And then we grow up…
still doing the same thing.

We override tiredness.
We override our no’s.
We override tension.
We override resentment.
We override grief.
We override boredom.
We override ourselves.

And one day, desire quietly steps back. Not as punishment, not to sabotage you, but as protection.

Because desire is not a switch you can flip. It’s a response. It responds to safety, to presence, to being met, without pressure.

This is why “trying harder,” scheduling sex, watching another workshop, Googling or asking ChatGPT for juicy tips, or analysing your desire rarely brings it back.

You can’t think your way into wanting. And you definitely can’t shame yourself, or your partner into softness or opening. (If that worked, most people would be wildly turned on all the time by now.)

What I see again and again, with both women and men, is this: Desire returns when we stop managing the body and start listening to it.

When there’s room to feel what’s actually there.
What you really need.
What you crave.
What you long for.

Even if what’s there is numbness, irritation, resentment or lack of trust, or overwhelm.

Or nothing at all.

Especially then.

If you’re reading this and feeling a little ache, or a quiet “yes… this resonates,” I want you to know something:

This is not about fixing your desire. It’s about meeting yourself, or your partner exactly where you are, with honesty, acceptance, and compassion.

This is the work I do with clients. And no, it’s not about “spicing things up with lingerie, a new hot playlist, and self-pleasure twice a week.”

It’s about reconnecting with yourself, slowly, gently and honestly.

Working with the body.
Working with the nervous system.
Working with the heart.

Without force.
Without performance.
Without pressure.

If your body softened even a little while reading this, that’s information. You don’t need to do anything with it right now. Just meet yourself with love and compassion.

Desire hasn’t left you.

It’s waiting for the conditions it needs.

If you feel called to be supported with this, you’re welcome to explore working together or reach out for support.

You can also have a look at my free resources here https://soulintimacy.com.au/free-resources/

With love,
Alexandra